Hi and I’m sorry I’ve been away.
I know I am always referring to how frustrating this disease is. But really, it’s frustrating and stuff that will never get old. People, relationships, and life are messy in general. Life is just one situation after another and you do what you can with the hand that you are dealt. Something I struggle explaining to people and sometimes forget to explain, I don’t react to things the way I used to. There are situations in life that warrant getting angry and pissed off, but I find myself staying pretty calm for those situations now. When I find out that someone has really wronged me, I just cut them out and don’t say anything. It’s not because I’m ghosting them or being dramatic. It is literally that I have no energy for them. In the recent past I’ve made my feelings about people I’m angry with public. I spent precious energy being angry and looking nutty on Facebook while the other person acts innocent and a victim of my craziness. I have come to the realization myself and with the help and guidance of another Spoonie friend. When you literally have enough energy to either make a meal sleep all day then take a shower or be angry all day and waste your time, it’s kind of a no trainer just to take care of yourself. I’ve come to this portion of my illness transformation. I am really trying to live a life that isn’t reactive to other people’s actions or choices. I have to pick and choose what I want to react to. I’ve withdrawn myself from unhealthy situations and removed unhealthy people from my life. I really truly believe that if you are invested in my well being that you won’t treat me badly. You won’t use me, make yourself a martyr, or ghost me if you really care about me. I’m a great friend and I’ll always be there when I can. But I have a very limited amount of energy and I won’t waste it on someone who could give a shit. I figured I needed to explain, that if you were wondering where I went or why I don’t reach out anymore, it’s because you took off when I needed the most help. This disease has put a lot into perspective for me. I have some really wonderful people that have really stepped up for me and they are people I didn’t expect to help. And the people I expected to be there are silent and no where to be found. It’s amazing and sad. I can definitely say once I’m on the other side of this bullshit I will never forget the ones who were there and I’ll be forgetting the ones that decided to stop talking to me.
Anyway I’ll be spending no more time on this. I’m sending this off into the internet and leaving it here. I do what I can when I can and the rest of the time I sleep.