I am currently trying to find someone to remodel my bathroom back home. I am staying with family, until construction is completed.
I am really missing living alone and being free of constant human contact. It takes so much energy to talk to people and it’s usually energy I don’t have. I miss the support system I built for myself in Florida. It’s a good support system of people who I know care about me and want to help make things more simple for me. They don’t pretend to know how I feel and they don’t treat me like I’m a hindrance on their lives. They know that when I’m well I will do anything for them.
This group of people are my chosen family. People that will be there when I need them and when I don’t. People that love me just for what I am and what I can offer them as a friend. I miss those people. I miss home. I miss waking up to quiet, instead of loud noises. I miss all the things I have to make my life easier. I miss not having to worry if I’ve pissed someone off, because they think I should have done something different, or handled things differently. I know that I’m doing the best I can right now and I hate feeling like it’s not enough for other people. I’m tired of constantly feeling like I have to speak, or act a certain way around people.
I get stressed out, I get worse. People don’t understand me, I get it. They don’t care how their actions affect me, I get that too. But the one thing you never, ever forget (because you can’t) is those that were there and let you be you and didn’t make you feel like a freak of nature. I love those people unconditionally. You most certainly don’t need those that add to your stress, make you hurt unnecessarily because they are hurting, and those that ghosted you. It isn’t healthy to be around people like that. It fuels depression. I no longer care if you think I’m selfish, or you think my survival is a joke, I don’t care if you think I’m faking it or if you think I can do better. It’s not your life, it’s not your decision, it’s not your business. I do what I do everyday for the betterment of MY life. I try my hardest all the time and yes some days I surrender to my disease. It doesn’t mean I’m weak.
I want to control the stress I have around me and what I’ve learned the last few months is that living alone or with at least one person I trust is enough for me. I can’t control how people react to me or my illness or how broke I am. I can control how I react to them.
A goddess who’s tired